The Atheistical Devotee

     

A couple of days back, at a puja ceremony at my home, during a never ending squabble on the existence and non-existence of unearthly deities, this aunt of mine got rather inquisitive.

 Aunty: So, do you really believe in ghosts, beta!?
Me: Well, I’ve not encountered any. And moreover, I choose to be in denial rather than regret.

Me: What about you?
Aunty: Ghosts! Nah..
She said, almost recklessly
.

Aunty: And GOD?
Me: Which one? Saraswati, Durga, Kaali or the males ones- Shiva, Hanuman and all!?

Aunty: Its a disgrace calling them without  their honorific!
Me: Oh! Sorry. Saraswati ji, Durga ji, Kaali ji, Shiva ji, Hanuman ji and all ji’s.
I remarked. She, rather irked by my answer-

Aunty: So, you are trying to tell me that you don’t  believe in God. You are an Atheist?
She asked, with the mixed expression of smirk and disgust. And, believe me, she had already synonymised me being an atheist to somebody who is on a war against God.

I just do not worship a deity as an idol. You can call me an atheist, if you please. That doesn’t mean that I am inhumane or diabolic. Its just that I condemn the rituals, that by human definition, are supposed to please some god’s clay idol. I just believe in my own intellect and believe me you, I am all good to go!

Belonging to the Indian origin, being surrounded by a flock of Gods and Goddesses, with my mom worshipping twice a day, one can be taken aback by such heterodox thinking of mine. Few years back, even I used to light two agarbattis (sometimes, three or four on special occasions) and chanted mantras to get a high score in my board exams. I don’t exactly recall what diverted my mind. My mother says its just out of my laziness that I don’t worship. But who shall explain it to her that I do worship, I just stopped lightening agarbattis.

Well, honestly speaking, I don’t have an aversion towards any God. I just don’t find their die-hard fans/devotees pragmatic. I do believe in a positive and also a negative power surrounding this world as a nimbus, but I just follow the former one. I believe that both these powers reside within one’s own intellect, that when you murmur ‘Hey Bhagwan’, its the positive power that gets activated. Its not the words that do the magic, but your belief in the magic that does the work! Those endless ballyhooing of devotees depicting their patent loyalty toward God..its just not my style! Things like- you should not worship after eating or if you’re down with menstruation are beyond my naive mind. I do not care if the diya goes out, neither am I afraid of dying for not paying a pandit an exorbitant sum he demanded. I am on my own and I can proudly say that.

Something that really makes you nearer and dearer to God is not the lavish ‘Jagarata’ you organise, but your deeds. Mr. Dubey involved in a scam is also one die hard fan of Goddess Durga. He thinks that organising ‘Mata ki Chowki’ every Friday will wash away his fouls and save him from the misery. Mrs. Verma just returned from a pilgrimage spot, after tying a stone in a red cloth to this wish-fulfulling banyan tree as a resemblance of her  ‘Mannat’ for her daughter so that she gets a good groom. These are the frightened devotees taking painstaking efforts to please God and fulfil their wishes.

I too wish. But my priorities are a little different. I do not want God to go out of his way to fulfil my wish. I just wish ‘wellness’. I just wish my works are carried on swiftly without ambiguity, given that I too work religiously. I stay myself and I stay fortunate most of the times. If not more, then definitely not less than his so called fans. Even if things don’t go my way, I am the one liable to it. I try not to hurt anyone , do good and be fair. I sympathize with the poor. Though I don’t go off my limits and donate them simply because at the present, I CAN’T. At the same time, I also don’t believe in donating my old discarded belongings to the poor in the name of charity. Its not actually charity, its just getting rid of of the things you have already discarded.

So, to sum up, I just stay myself, be truthful and believe in my intellectual power. I am not a disbeliever. I am just not that insightful about the existence of God. But then, who is? On top of that, all these 'banyan tree threading' and 'Shiv-lingam bathing' have indeed helped me to sustain my belief. You can call me an Atheist, if these traits of mine go along with the conventional definition, but I definitely don’t hate God. Just tell me where to look for.